or: Every single knitter’s best nightmare.

Every single knitter under the sun has a stash. Gasp. I mean, that’s a real lightbulb moment. Before I get started, let’s define our terms.

Knitter: Helpless, innocent individuals who witlessly collect yarn, and then never get around to using it.

Stash: The growing monster that’s under knitters’ (see above) beds. The good thing is, they’ve made friends with it.

Yarn Store: Establishments (either online, brick and mortar, or both) that are the same to knitters as casinos are to gamblers: a black hole. (Thankfully, yarn stores are much, much more wholesome than casinos.)

Luckily, we can all take control of out stashes (see above). Here are my five easy steps to getting a life again.

1. Do little else but knit. Then, you may be able to shrink your stash faster than you grow it. (Be warned, though: due to the same, repetitive motion that knitting sometimes brings, you may end up developing carpal tunnel.)

2. Stop buying yarn. (Yeah, right.)

3. Give your yarn away to less fortunate knitter. (This can be hard to do. In some circumstances, knitters have an emotional connection to their fiber, making it difficult to part with.)

4. Enlist the help of friends to knit baby blankets with all of your yarn. This does have a few problems, though. As stated above, knitters dislike having to part with their yarn, and you may end up having no more charities to donate to after they realize that the last dozen you sent was the 50th dozen you’ve sent to them in 50 consecutive weeks. They also start being suspicious after they have received warnings from other charities warning them about some strange individual who has been sending in so many blankets, they’ve dubbed them the “Blanket Litterer.”

5. The final point is the most reasonable one. Just let your stash grow until all of your family moves out in the yard, because you always snap at them when they touch your yarn, and now, they can’t be inside at all without you screaming at them. Soon though, your yarn will be out in the yard and you’ll lose your family. Anything for your yarn, right? Like I said, knitters are susceptible.

I think that the best thing for knitters is hermitage.




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